On Zach’s 30th birthday, his dad sent him a vegetable spiralizer.

I thought it was pretty funny.  I mean, 30 is a pretty big year.  I pictured his dad sitting at home racking his brain over the perfect gift, like “Concert tickets?  No.  Helicopter ride over Manhattan?  No.  Jurassic Park VHS autographed by Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern?  No.  OH WAIT I’VE GOT IT! ”

Okay, okay, I get it – we’re vegans, we eat a lot of vegetables – but we were veggie purists.  We didn’t need to crank them through some plastic machine and mangle them into shapes to amuse us like some sad, adult version of a Playdough Creation Station.

So we had a good chuckle, and found our new kitchen accessory a nice, cozy little spot in the back of the closet.

But then one day we’re out to eat and the waiter asks me which side I would prefer with my meal – mashed potatoes, french fries, or curly fries?    And I nearly black-out and go cross-eyed, and without even breathing shout “FUCK YEAH, CURLY FRIES!”.

I’m ecstatic.

It occurs to me that all of these dishes are made up of the exact same ingredients – potatoes, oil, and salt.  So why am I so excited?  Is it the specific ratio of potato to oil?  Is it the fast-food memories of my youth?  Is it just the boing boing?  I’m not exactly sure, but there is something about that shape that sets my salivary glands from zero to sixty.

So we dust off the old vegetable spiralizer to perform some experiments.

You see this spaghetti?

Trick question!  That ain’t spaghetti – it’s a goddamn turnip!  All sexed up and ready for date night.

Now, if I came home to a romantic candlelit dinner featuring a boiled turnip covered in marinara sauce, I’d probably end up spending the night throwing Zach’s laundry out the window.  But thanks to our vegetable spiralizer, this healthy twist on a home-cooked Italian meal sets the mood for romance.

You see, we eat with our eyes first, and even though the ingredients are the same, the results can be quite different.

So, basically, what I’m saying is that I’m sorry Bruce – I take back all the bad things I said about the gift you sent – we love it.